Dear Mom,

It’s been a year since you passed. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and Dr. B. He had you pegged within 10 minutes of meeting you as a control freak. We got a laugh out of that for the longest time. Dad and I still do every so often.

I wonder though, how much of it was about control, and how much was about looking after us. I’d say about 50/50. You knew we wouldn’t take it well if you’d passed at home, and that’s why you passed in hospital. Now that I think about it, the hospital was as much your home as an Registered Nurse as anywhere else. Some of the sounds, and smells of the Emergency Room must have been the same as when you worked in one.

I’ve seen a lot of signs of you the last year. The hearts in the snow a few days after you passed. You even made you presence known at Christmas. As I sat at the table, my phone rang, and I picked it up. It was someone arriving to pick up supplies that had been left. But we weren’t at home. Even at the burial, 10 months later there was a car parked beside the grave site, and someone rushing to move it as the service started. I think I must have said to one of the family afterward “yup, that’s mom. Sometimes a joke at the most inappropriate time.” But seriously though… every time I’ve felt like I needed someone to talk to, there’d be a call from D.L, D.M. or S, N, P, or B.H. or one of my friends would check in via social media or text. Sometimes I felt like it’s you still looking out for me.

I’ve wondered what you would have thought of this year; as tough as it’s been. If you’d been well, I’d like to think you’d have found a way to contact trace if you could do it from home. I think you’d find a way to somehow pitch in. I think you’d be totally into the online shopping, even trying to grocery shop and do curbside; something I’ve been reluctant to do. You would have adapted talking on the phone. But I also look back and am grateful you’re at peace now, because getting you proper care in order to have you at home would be a tougher challenge than it was last year.

Christmas this year will be just dad and I because of COVID-19. I’m trying to look at it as a chance to start our own traditions a little bit. But I know you’ll be here in spirit. And maybe, if I watch for it, you’ll make your presence known.

Love always,

-Laura

Note: Initials have been used to protect privacy.